And I'm Back

Perhaps it is because I happened to wander by the computer, or perhaps due to a conscious desire to blog. Either way, I am here. Today, due to a lack of inspiration, I will discuss the social convention of best friendship. Recently, the post of my best friendship has been in a state of flux. For those of you who are saying "Oh, no! I cannot be so" do not worry, all is ok. No, my comments on my best friendship that I am here to discuss, it is some unnamed person. More specifically it is someone with TWO best friends. Now, I do no begrudge the fact that this person has two close friends. In fact I am very happy. My problem is with the entire idea that you can have two best friends. Being the best at something implies that you are bar none the most skilled person at the particular field. Saying that two people are the best insults them both because it takes away the specialness of being the best; those people are not the best, they are not bar none. And so I say to all those people sitting on the fence, you cannot have two best friends. Harry Potter's was Ron. Hermoine was a good friend, wonderful, terrific- whatever you want to call her. But she wasn't his best friend. Now i say to you, dear reader, who's yours?

In other, less debating, news, I have read my first book of the new Mitchian calendar year. It is called "Up in the Air, and will soon out in the theatres as a movie of the same name. I really enjoyed the book in a weird Fight Clubish way. It gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach, I didn't like it but that was the point. I would recommend this book to anyone who cares to take my opinion.

Finally, to the writer's of Glee. I love your show. It's lack of theme song (sans a shout of Glee in harmony) would annoy me with any other show, but it works with you. However, could you do me a favour? Give me a phone call and tell me whether Finn and Rachel, Shouster and Emma, or The Gym Teacher and Sue will get together (ok perhaps not the last one). This stringing me along is getting me all sad, and that simply is against the nature of your wonderful program.

Happy Birthday to Me

It is that time of year again. The time when I evaluate my life, realize that I wish I was more...this (organized, hard working, dedicated; you name the adjective), and make a series of rules that will lead me on the path towards success. Every year I throw myself through these personal hoops of mine, hoping that self improvement is just a few cursory rules away. And every year I seem to summon the enthusiasm heretofore only seen in Bring it On by Kristen Dunst. Speaking of this performance, don't you think it's her personal best? Her ability to summon such annoying enthusiasm toward something so trivial is nothing below impressive. However, this is off-topic. Once again, I have created some goals for my new year.

First, it is my goal to read more often, something I have slowly let go as I have become older. Remember the days when you were 10 and could read a book in a few hours? Those days sadly have come and gone for me. I seldom go past 30 pages without feeling...full. I spend the rest of the night digesting what I've read, wishing I could go on, knowing it cannot. Now, I will put an effort into ensuring that it can. My goal is to read 52 books this year; one per week.

My other goal, I have kept it to two in an attempt to simplify the process, is to blog. I do not want to say once a day, because that, as any of the readers of this blog would know, does not work. No, I just want to blog enough that I am satisfied. What this amount is...I don't know. Over the next year I hope to find out.

Now, as the remaining minutes of the day I became an adult grow thin, I hear the familiar theme of Dexter. The temptations already confront me. And, for now, I give in.

Alysha's Latest Post

Diary of a Infrequent Blogger

10:07pm-Shit! I have to blog by midnight! I never should have agreed to Blog Every Day April! Damn you Glee with your singing Journey songs and your will-they-won’t-they plots! What the heck can I blog about!? Writer’s Block!

10:13pm- Time for a Writer’s Block Snack. Triskets!

10:15pm- Forgot Triskets make my mouth bleed. Time for a Post Trisket Bleed Drink. Pink Lemonade!

10:24pm- And of course after drinking Pink Lemonade I must do a manly activity! 100 pushups.

10:53-Well that was embarrassing...

10:59pm- Procrastinating with Christa, she tells me that if I “pile up enough tomorrows all i’ll be left with is a bunch of empty yesterdays” I reply that if I “pile up enough late nights, all I’ll be left with is a heroin addiction.” Maybe I could write about how heroin would affect my writing!

11:06pm-Scratch that idea. Subsequent heroin addiction would cost more than the writing career they would give. Must research cheap drugs.

11:08pm- I come to the realization that the point at which I consider researching cheap drugs, is the point at which sleep is needed.

11:11pm- It’s wish time! I wish for an idea. No lightning bolt of idea hits me.

11:12pm- Still nothing...

11:18pm- It’s time for a Procrastination Snack. Which Cereal Mascot’s plight will speak to me today? Captain Crunch has got that giant ship he breaks walls with, I wonder what would happen if he and the Kool-Aid Man teamed up. Not even Fort Knox would be safe!... Maybe Trix?

11:23pm- They’re after me lucky charms!

11:25pm- Inspiraaaaaation!!! It’s about time someone made a system to decide the best cereal mascot. Someone must fight for the poor rabbit that is constantly denied his only passion. He’s like Ahab, destined to pursue an ever illusive goal until his passion ultimately results in his death! Who will judge the battle for the title of best Cereal Mascot!? Who will decided the victor of... The Cereal Bowl?! That’s me!

11:31pm- And done. Time to sleep...

11:24am- Did I honestly compare a Cereal Mascot to Moby Dick? Where’s the erase button?

My Second Open Letter to a Douchebag that I'm Happy was a Douchbag

Dear Alex,

We don't know each other. You may faintly remember that I'm the guy who was grinding with your ex-girlfriend at a dance while you were grinding with another guy while wearing neon green pants and a pink wig. You also may have read my letter to another douchebag, that letter has caused me to write this one. You see my girlfriend (again your ex, just to make sure youre on the same page...I've heard you aren't the most clever) was slightly offended that she didn't get an angry letter written by one of her friends to you. Also she thinks that I wrote that our first time was terrible (by our I mean Alysha and I, not you and i...sorry neon green just turns me off). So that's why i'm writing you this letter. Unfortunately, I don't really think that I can write an angry letter to you. I'm not angry at all. You see I'm glad that you're a jerk who dumps girls because they won't give him sexual pleasure after a month. Because of that, I'm with an amazing girl who i love and who loves me back (not to brag or anything, if i was bragging I would say that the sex is great...it is...sorry). So thank you, please continue to be an asshole, wear leopard skin banana hammocks and dump girls for being angry that they won't go down on you in the first date, I encourage it. Because while it may hurt the girl in the short term, she'll go for the nice guy (that's me...i hope) and you, you'll probably be alone. Thanks again!

Mitch

My Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Douchebag,

I should like you, after all we have similar interests and you seemingly have a large supply of money that could come in handy should we go on a Quizno's run. Now I realize that compared to Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Auric Goldfinger, you aren't really that much of a rich douchebag. In fact I shouldn't even blame you being an asshole on your wealth, Oprah would be ashamed. Now there are many other reasons you could be being an asshole. Maybe you're just afraid. After all, girls are scary, the girl from The Exorcist being the perfect example. I'm often afraid that girls I ask out will suddenly have their heads moving in a circular direction...Sometimes at night I still hear that single word, "no", it's terrifying! However that simply doesn't mean that you can't be nice and honest about it! i mean how do you expect a girl to say yes if you treat her like a jerk AND like you're afraid of them. That's precisely why you don't see lions jumping me. I don't think you're afraid though. You see people don't generally ask people they're afraid of to be sex buddies. Not that I'm really experienced with the whole sex buddies thing. You see most people like you (the ones that haven't dated and haven't been kissed) don't usually go for the sex buddies thing right away. You don't see many 2 year olds entering the 72 oz steak contest, they eat the soft foods first. Just a little advice, from a guy who doesn't like you at all, find someone who likes you enough that they don't care how bad you are at sex (trust me it'll be terrible) before you base your relationships upon how good it is. Finally, stay the fuck away from my best friend until you're mature enough to know whatever it is you want. I realize that you don't feel bad about what you've done (seeing as how you've done it twice now) but if you do it again I promise I'll find a way so that you do.

Sincerely,

Mitch

Happy Birthday Blogger?

I am currently bored at the library. My girlfriend, who is currently is copying notes out of a 15 pound textbook, seems to have no such qualms. So in my desperation to avoid boredom I have come to Blogger. I'm assuming that the cake signifies some sort of birthday, however I'm too lazy to find out. I suppose it's entirely possible that the great people at Blogger decided to just randomly insert a cake into their logo, but I have a feeling that it is in fact a birthday, in which case...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOGGER!

Today I participated in a slap bet with my good friend Christa. She bet me that I couldn't be funny for the entire day, a statement I still dispute wholeheartedly. The only thing that our bet proved, however, is that neither one of us can stand an unfunny Mitch. I amused myself for a good 10 minutes in the library today thinking of what my followup slap bet with Christa will be. I came upon the idea that she should have to read the Excel 2003 for Dummies book, cover to cover, in a 15 days. Should she win, she can slap me. If she doesn't...she has to blog everyday in November. Which brings me to my October resolution, I have decided I'm going to blog at least 4 times a week. I've said this before, in many different ways, but this time IT WILL STICK!

Finally, television. Unfortunately, my satellite subscription was cancelled due to an ill-informed plan to quit and hope that Bell (the apparently masters of holding out till their former tv watching patrons crawl back) would give us a better deal. No such luck. Luckily though, I go to my good friend Christa O'Connell's house on mondays to watch a taped version of Glee and CBS comedies. Other than Accidentally on Purpose, a show I'm confident could be comedically bested by any actual accidental pregnancy (is it too late to get a Jaime-Lynn Spears memoir?), I'm very happy with the shows. My heart is still filled with the joy that Leonard and Penny created, and I'm sure that warmth will still be there when I write again....hopefully tomorrow.