Diary of a Infrequent Blogger

10:07pm-Shit! I have to blog by midnight! I never should have agreed to Blog Every Day April! Damn you Glee with your singing Journey songs and your will-they-won’t-they plots! What the heck can I blog about!? Writer’s Block!

10:13pm- Time for a Writer’s Block Snack. Triskets!

10:15pm- Forgot Triskets make my mouth bleed. Time for a Post Trisket Bleed Drink. Pink Lemonade!

10:24pm- And of course after drinking Pink Lemonade I must do a manly activity! 100 pushups.

10:53-Well that was embarrassing...

10:59pm- Procrastinating with Christa, she tells me that if I “pile up enough tomorrows all i’ll be left with is a bunch of empty yesterdays” I reply that if I “pile up enough late nights, all I’ll be left with is a heroin addiction.” Maybe I could write about how heroin would affect my writing!

11:06pm-Scratch that idea. Subsequent heroin addiction would cost more than the writing career they would give. Must research cheap drugs.

11:08pm- I come to the realization that the point at which I consider researching cheap drugs, is the point at which sleep is needed.

11:11pm- It’s wish time! I wish for an idea. No lightning bolt of idea hits me.

11:12pm- Still nothing...

11:18pm- It’s time for a Procrastination Snack. Which Cereal Mascot’s plight will speak to me today? Captain Crunch has got that giant ship he breaks walls with, I wonder what would happen if he and the Kool-Aid Man teamed up. Not even Fort Knox would be safe!... Maybe Trix?

11:23pm- They’re after me lucky charms!

11:25pm- Inspiraaaaaation!!! It’s about time someone made a system to decide the best cereal mascot. Someone must fight for the poor rabbit that is constantly denied his only passion. He’s like Ahab, destined to pursue an ever illusive goal until his passion ultimately results in his death! Who will judge the battle for the title of best Cereal Mascot!? Who will decided the victor of... The Cereal Bowl?! That’s me!

11:31pm- And done. Time to sleep...

11:24am- Did I honestly compare a Cereal Mascot to Moby Dick? Where’s the erase button?

My Second Open Letter to a Douchebag that I'm Happy was a Douchbag

Dear Alex,

We don't know each other. You may faintly remember that I'm the guy who was grinding with your ex-girlfriend at a dance while you were grinding with another guy while wearing neon green pants and a pink wig. You also may have read my letter to another douchebag, that letter has caused me to write this one. You see my girlfriend (again your ex, just to make sure youre on the same page...I've heard you aren't the most clever) was slightly offended that she didn't get an angry letter written by one of her friends to you. Also she thinks that I wrote that our first time was terrible (by our I mean Alysha and I, not you and i...sorry neon green just turns me off). So that's why i'm writing you this letter. Unfortunately, I don't really think that I can write an angry letter to you. I'm not angry at all. You see I'm glad that you're a jerk who dumps girls because they won't give him sexual pleasure after a month. Because of that, I'm with an amazing girl who i love and who loves me back (not to brag or anything, if i was bragging I would say that the sex is great...it is...sorry). So thank you, please continue to be an asshole, wear leopard skin banana hammocks and dump girls for being angry that they won't go down on you in the first date, I encourage it. Because while it may hurt the girl in the short term, she'll go for the nice guy (that's me...i hope) and you, you'll probably be alone. Thanks again!

Mitch

My Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Douchebag,

I should like you, after all we have similar interests and you seemingly have a large supply of money that could come in handy should we go on a Quizno's run. Now I realize that compared to Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Auric Goldfinger, you aren't really that much of a rich douchebag. In fact I shouldn't even blame you being an asshole on your wealth, Oprah would be ashamed. Now there are many other reasons you could be being an asshole. Maybe you're just afraid. After all, girls are scary, the girl from The Exorcist being the perfect example. I'm often afraid that girls I ask out will suddenly have their heads moving in a circular direction...Sometimes at night I still hear that single word, "no", it's terrifying! However that simply doesn't mean that you can't be nice and honest about it! i mean how do you expect a girl to say yes if you treat her like a jerk AND like you're afraid of them. That's precisely why you don't see lions jumping me. I don't think you're afraid though. You see people don't generally ask people they're afraid of to be sex buddies. Not that I'm really experienced with the whole sex buddies thing. You see most people like you (the ones that haven't dated and haven't been kissed) don't usually go for the sex buddies thing right away. You don't see many 2 year olds entering the 72 oz steak contest, they eat the soft foods first. Just a little advice, from a guy who doesn't like you at all, find someone who likes you enough that they don't care how bad you are at sex (trust me it'll be terrible) before you base your relationships upon how good it is. Finally, stay the fuck away from my best friend until you're mature enough to know whatever it is you want. I realize that you don't feel bad about what you've done (seeing as how you've done it twice now) but if you do it again I promise I'll find a way so that you do.

Sincerely,

Mitch

Happy Birthday Blogger?

I am currently bored at the library. My girlfriend, who is currently is copying notes out of a 15 pound textbook, seems to have no such qualms. So in my desperation to avoid boredom I have come to Blogger. I'm assuming that the cake signifies some sort of birthday, however I'm too lazy to find out. I suppose it's entirely possible that the great people at Blogger decided to just randomly insert a cake into their logo, but I have a feeling that it is in fact a birthday, in which case...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOGGER!

Today I participated in a slap bet with my good friend Christa. She bet me that I couldn't be funny for the entire day, a statement I still dispute wholeheartedly. The only thing that our bet proved, however, is that neither one of us can stand an unfunny Mitch. I amused myself for a good 10 minutes in the library today thinking of what my followup slap bet with Christa will be. I came upon the idea that she should have to read the Excel 2003 for Dummies book, cover to cover, in a 15 days. Should she win, she can slap me. If she doesn't...she has to blog everyday in November. Which brings me to my October resolution, I have decided I'm going to blog at least 4 times a week. I've said this before, in many different ways, but this time IT WILL STICK!

Finally, television. Unfortunately, my satellite subscription was cancelled due to an ill-informed plan to quit and hope that Bell (the apparently masters of holding out till their former tv watching patrons crawl back) would give us a better deal. No such luck. Luckily though, I go to my good friend Christa O'Connell's house on mondays to watch a taped version of Glee and CBS comedies. Other than Accidentally on Purpose, a show I'm confident could be comedically bested by any actual accidental pregnancy (is it too late to get a Jaime-Lynn Spears memoir?), I'm very happy with the shows. My heart is still filled with the joy that Leonard and Penny created, and I'm sure that warmth will still be there when I write again....hopefully tomorrow.

The Cereal Bowl.

The Best of the Best?

Recently when talking to my friend I was pulled into my biggest debate of the year...Who is the Best Cereal Box Mascot. My friend's position of Cereal Mascot of Choice seems to be a constantly changing affair. The slightest change in box presentation or promotion can knock a defending champion off it's pedestal. Currently, however, the position goes to the Raisin Bran Sun. Well to me this might just be the underdog story to watch. The sun has got a low profile, it doesn't have any charming features, it's not on a quest. In order to refute the Sun's placement atop the cereal mascot leaderboard I have decided to create the Cereal Mascot Scoring System (CMSS) in order to determine who will win The Cereal Bowl. A cereal dynasty must consistently be marked high in the following categories.

1. Cuteness/Lovability (50)

The most important category, a mascot must pull you to the box and make you think "This is the animal/machine/celestial object that I want waking me up every morning." This is why the Alpha Bits Computer will never climb to the top. Who the heck wants an 80's computer welcome the day in with them.

2. Newness (20)

As good as it is to have an amazing lovability score, a cereal mascot can't just sit on it's cuteness! Innovation is how mascots can climb to the top. However, innovation can also cause a fall from grace. Trix ended an amazing run by switching from fruit to planets. Nobody wants to eat a planet, unless that person is Galactus.

3. Story (30)

Again, it's important that a mascot has something other than cuteness. A good story is a way to differentiate, to show you're different from the other mascots that are living off the past. Often a good cereal mascot is involved in an epic struggle for protect/eat their cereal. Why would the Lucky Charms Leprechaun always try to stop those darn kids from eating his cereal if it wasn't so good he wanted it all for himself. Meanwhile, the Trix rabbit is the modern tragic tale, constantly striving to eat something he is destined to never have in his bowl.

Next week, I will call together the judges to find the first winner of the Cereal Bowl, will it be the underdog Raisin Bran Sun? Will Toucan Sam find some momentum down the stretch? Only time will tell.

A Day in the Life.

9:06-Mitch wakes up to a text telling him to text his girlfriend. Mitch calls girlfriend and she sadly does not pick up, apparently she is mysteriously asleep. Mitch falls asleep, hoping to contact his girlfriend in the dream world. He is unsuccessful.

10:32-Mitch wakes up again, determined to contact his girlfriend. He calls her, only to find out that it was all a mix-up, she thought he was trying to contact her in the first place. Mitch, once again, falls asleep.

11:00-Mitch wakes up for the third time and trudges downstairs. He decides he is going to beat Spider-man 2 (a 6 year old Gamecube game) in one sitting.

12:45-Unfortunately, Nature bitch slaps his attempt with its ultimate weapon, hunger.

12:50-Mitch goes to Wendy's

1:15-Mitch decides to try and get all 1000 Achievement Points for Rock Band 2.

1:30-Mitch discovers that Rock Band 2 is not a single player experience. He heads upstairs to have a bath, to drown his boredom with hot water and Peggle.

1:42-Mitch almost drops iPod Touch in water and decides to leave Peggle for another time. He reclines in silence.

2:00-Mitch goes downstairs, ready to tackle Mysterio's alien army, when Nintendo's greatest weapon attacks, the corrupted save file.

3:00-Mitch discovers that there is in fact "Classic" Dr. Phil episodes. As it turns out they follow the exact same pattern as regular Dr. Phil's, in fact they feature less audience careitude than the regular ones, which is saying something.

3:05-Mitch prepares for work...3 hours early.

My blog fails like 90% of the people on Wipeout

For those of you who do not understand the reference I have made in the title, search your tv listings right now! Wipeout might be the least intelligent show on television right now, but it never fails to make me laugh. What doesn't make me laugh is the price of Apple products. I recently came into a little bit of money due to my graduation from school. I decided to get a Macbook Pro. As it turns out Apple assrapes you with their prices worse than the inmate from American History X (again a must watch...albeit for slightly different reasons). Now I realize that everyone wants to buy a Mac (it's cause that John Hodgeman is so darn funny), but you'd think that Apple would put their prices within at least a thousand dollars of a competitor. Sadly this is not the case and I'm going to have to wait to type on my Macbook Pro till a chilly November night. I'm just a sucker for a good "Windows sucks" joke I guess.