My Open Letter to an Asshole

Dear Douchebag,

I should like you, after all we have similar interests and you seemingly have a large supply of money that could come in handy should we go on a Quizno's run. Now I realize that compared to Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay and Auric Goldfinger, you aren't really that much of a rich douchebag. In fact I shouldn't even blame you being an asshole on your wealth, Oprah would be ashamed. Now there are many other reasons you could be being an asshole. Maybe you're just afraid. After all, girls are scary, the girl from The Exorcist being the perfect example. I'm often afraid that girls I ask out will suddenly have their heads moving in a circular direction...Sometimes at night I still hear that single word, "no", it's terrifying! However that simply doesn't mean that you can't be nice and honest about it! i mean how do you expect a girl to say yes if you treat her like a jerk AND like you're afraid of them. That's precisely why you don't see lions jumping me. I don't think you're afraid though. You see people don't generally ask people they're afraid of to be sex buddies. Not that I'm really experienced with the whole sex buddies thing. You see most people like you (the ones that haven't dated and haven't been kissed) don't usually go for the sex buddies thing right away. You don't see many 2 year olds entering the 72 oz steak contest, they eat the soft foods first. Just a little advice, from a guy who doesn't like you at all, find someone who likes you enough that they don't care how bad you are at sex (trust me it'll be terrible) before you base your relationships upon how good it is. Finally, stay the fuck away from my best friend until you're mature enough to know whatever it is you want. I realize that you don't feel bad about what you've done (seeing as how you've done it twice now) but if you do it again I promise I'll find a way so that you do.

Sincerely,

Mitch

Happy Birthday Blogger?

I am currently bored at the library. My girlfriend, who is currently is copying notes out of a 15 pound textbook, seems to have no such qualms. So in my desperation to avoid boredom I have come to Blogger. I'm assuming that the cake signifies some sort of birthday, however I'm too lazy to find out. I suppose it's entirely possible that the great people at Blogger decided to just randomly insert a cake into their logo, but I have a feeling that it is in fact a birthday, in which case...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLOGGER!

Today I participated in a slap bet with my good friend Christa. She bet me that I couldn't be funny for the entire day, a statement I still dispute wholeheartedly. The only thing that our bet proved, however, is that neither one of us can stand an unfunny Mitch. I amused myself for a good 10 minutes in the library today thinking of what my followup slap bet with Christa will be. I came upon the idea that she should have to read the Excel 2003 for Dummies book, cover to cover, in a 15 days. Should she win, she can slap me. If she doesn't...she has to blog everyday in November. Which brings me to my October resolution, I have decided I'm going to blog at least 4 times a week. I've said this before, in many different ways, but this time IT WILL STICK!

Finally, television. Unfortunately, my satellite subscription was cancelled due to an ill-informed plan to quit and hope that Bell (the apparently masters of holding out till their former tv watching patrons crawl back) would give us a better deal. No such luck. Luckily though, I go to my good friend Christa O'Connell's house on mondays to watch a taped version of Glee and CBS comedies. Other than Accidentally on Purpose, a show I'm confident could be comedically bested by any actual accidental pregnancy (is it too late to get a Jaime-Lynn Spears memoir?), I'm very happy with the shows. My heart is still filled with the joy that Leonard and Penny created, and I'm sure that warmth will still be there when I write again....hopefully tomorrow.